The hardest, most rewarding, amazing year of my life

Tonight we celebrated little Kader's birthday.
It was not your normal 1st birthday.
I have been very selfish with Kade. This is no joke.
I felt like with Krew I let everyone in. I let everyone have a special relationship with him.
Not Kade. He is mine.
This may sound weird, and I don't know why I am this way with him. Probably because he is the baby.
When we started planning his big first birthday party I made it very clear it would be family and a very small amount of friends.
Mostly friends who have kids so Krew and Kade could have some play mates.
So tonight I watched my baby play with the big kids like he belonged, and I guess he did.
Now I sit here and think back on the last year.....

I will start by saying this has by far been the hardest year of my life.
I never imagined having two babies under two would be so incredibly hard.
I can't count how many times I broke down and cried because I didn't know what to do.
I did this with just Krew, but adding a newborn into the mix while still trying to teach a baby/toddler is beyond overwhelming.
I made more mistakes than I would like to admit.
I neglected my husband more than I should have.
I neglected myself.
I have learned to live on coffee and I feel grateful for 6 solid hours of sleep.
I now know what it is like to feel completely helpless while watching your baby go through physical therapy 2 times a week, then 1 time a week, then every other, and finally being able to celebrate graduating.
I can now tell you I sat in the car and cried for a good five minutes every time we finished, and then cried tears of joy on that final day.

Moving on to Rewarding.....
The final 2 sentences in the above section might seem like it belongs here, but that was not my accomplishment. That was his. He tolerated the hours of therapy, he wore the helmet, he did it not me.
I do take pride in having the two most unique, loving, smart, handsome boys I know.
It has been beyond rewarding to watch them learn to love, learn to play, and most importantly learn to be brothers. Krew has been nothing short of amazing, and Kade has been.... well a little brother. He follows Krew around and imitates everything he does. They play peek-a-boo, chase, and even wrestle. They are best friends and that I am proud of.

This year has truly been a blessing. I did not plan it this way, but hey I don't really believe we are in charge. That is why every night when I hold that baby that gave me so many scares, sleepless nights, and smiles I whisper in his ear, "God gave me you." I beleive that with everything I am.

I know life will not get any easier. I know there are going to be challenges at ever age, but I am also beyond excited to spend these years with them. Growing as a family, as a person, and most importantly a mom.

{She will be loved}

Sweet little Kyler,
You have no idea what you have ahead of you.
Some would consider you very lucky, some might worry for you.
Me? I think you will be loved.
Tonight I watched some of the toughest guys I know look at you with a look I've never seen.
I watched my own two little boys stare at you with awe and love.
You little princess will be very well taken care of.
Maybe a little too good.
They may be over protective, but honey I promise it is because we asked them to be.
Please be patient with them, because I one day you will thank them from keeping all the creeps away from you!
You are so incredibly loved by all of us! Always remember that!

What is a friend?

It is so funny but I think about this a lot.
I'm not really sure why, but it is something my husband and I talk about often.
So here is what I have come up with.....
Facebook should be divided up between friends, and people I know.
I mean really I can tell you I probably look at 20 pages TOPS, and I can tell you why I look at those pages: a. They have kids around my kids age. This makes up for probably 15 of the 20 pages I actually keep up with. or B. They were someone who I was very close with at one point. (This being the other maybe 5 pages.)
I can tell you I NEVER look at my friends pages who I hang out with.
I mean really I don't need to look at pictures of Mo due to the fact I see her beautiful face every day. If she updates her status I was normally with her, or heard about it over the phone or text.
So with this in mind I sit here and think of my 390 "Friends" who are truly friends?
What is a friend?
Here is what I have come up with.
I have mommy friends.
These are the amazing people who I may not be friends with outside of this lovely circle of mommyhood.
We talk about our kids, and truly care what is going on with each others children.
I would also say that most of these friends are facebook friends.
We comment on funny status updates, pictures, and milestones.
I know I can ask any one of these ladies a question, and they will be quick with advice.

I have my back in the day friends.
These are the friends who I will always love and cherish, but will probably never have "that" relationship with.
These are both the male and female friends who know who I was, and why I am who I am now.
They are the friends who I go to lunch with when they are in town.
The ones I laugh with about "That one time in high school"
The ones I have endless pictures of.....

There are the Old friends that are new again.
These ones are very special to me at the moment.
I mean how wonderful is it to rekindle an old friendship.
They know your crazy stories, but you get to catch up on the past several years.

I have the "family" friends
These people know who they are.
These are the friends that would do anything for me, and I would do anything for them.
These are Krew and Kade's aunts and uncles, maybe not by blood, but by love.
These are the people who I miss when I don't see for a week.
The people who can walk into my house the day BEFORE the cleaner comes, and I don't care.
They know the me that stresses, cries, worries, fights, obsesses, and loves.
These are the few. The few who I trust with all I have.

Of all these friends I cherish what we have to offer each other. I mean that is the true meaning of friendship right?
Giving
Giving advice, a helping hand, a memory

Where has the summer gone???

I know it's only Aug., but if you are a teacher you know what this means.
Yeah we don't have to be back in our classroom until the 16th, but we all know if you wait until the 16th to start on your room your kids will come back to a disaster.
So the next few days I will go in for a couple of hours while the boys stay with their dad.
Our last month of summer has been filled with swimming lessons, fair, running through the sprinkler, and hiding from the heat.
My boys are both like me in the fact that we literally get ill if we are in the heat for a long time.
My sister used to joke and say I was the only person she knew who was allergic to the sun, but I think I really might be!
Krew's 2nd birthday party was a blast!
He had his two best buddies over, and let me tell you the girls better watch out in 16 years!
Our friends the Hills had their baby girl, we took a trip to Cheyenne for ZBB!!
It was so nice to get out with the husband without the kids, but I will be the first to admit that I missed them even though we were gone 28 hours.
And now here we are the 4th of August trying to plan a family vacation before I have to go back to work.
I'm sad that I really don't think it is going to happen.
But I will try to be better at keeping up on this so I don't get so far behind, and write so poorly!
I'll leave you today with Krew's 2 year old pictures. Our friend Janelle did these, and they are amazing!

The Best Two Years Of My Life

Dear Krew,
Wow buddy it's finally here! Tomorrow you're going to be two. I cannot believe how fast these years have gone by. It seems like just yesterday my heart started walking around outside of me, and always with you. If I could tell you what you have brought to me I'm sure they would be the most beautiful words, however it is just a feeling that is absolutely wonderful! Over the last two years I have smiled more, cried more, and loved more than one would think possible.

I know I've said this before, and I believe it with everything I am. We all have a purpose in life, and yours truly is to bring happiness to others. You have been doing it since the day you were born. A complete stranger can walk right up to you and within seconds you have them smiling. I'm not sure how you do this but you just do.

Lately you have been in love with Mickey Mouse! You want him first thing in the morning, and right before you go to bed. Some other things you currently love are animals (horses, cows, and sheep), our dogs, your brother, swimming, and jumping. Whenever we go to grandmas you pull all the farm animals out and any of the "armers" you can find. (I'm pretty sure she has one left because you always bring them home). We go on walks most mornings, and you always have to walk Riley. She is such a great sport, and just lets you pull her around. Your baby brother like always is your most favorite. You always want to hold him, and I let you because before we know it he is going to be bigger than you! We just started swimming lessons, and that is all you have talked about today. And jumping oh jumping. You jump wherever you go! I think you are really just showing off, but hey your getting really high!

Again like I've said before you are SMART! We were at Mo and Ben's the other night and you picked something up and said, "Cone" sure enough you were holding a cone in your hand! You know all your colors, but still get a few mixed up (red, purple, and pink are all pink). You love blue and always point out blue things. Recently you tell everyone to look and tell them all about what you are looking at. Tonight you said, "Look mommy it a pretty flower." Of course it was our favorite kind the beloved dandylion. You have also started to say some not so cute things...."Oh F*@k." We have learned to just ignore it, and this seems to really be helping. I'm not sure where you learned that, but I was mortified the first time to hear it, and probably gave you too much attention for it, so then you learned to say it whenever I was busy with brother, or not giving you 100% of my attention.

Physically you are still such a stalky guy, and Rob Orchard has you pinned to be a wrestler. I'll take that I guess. Right now you are 35 inches, and if the doubling rule is correct that will make you about 5'10". That would be about what I have always expected anywhere between 5'8"-5'"10. You weigh 31 pounds, but are really starting to thin out and look like a little boy instead of a toddler.

Well love keep that amazing personality and you will be sure to go places! Love you to the moon and back my little man!

XOXO,
Mommy

P.S. There is a parade tomorrow just for you!! (Ok maybe the fair, but we'll tell you that!)

Ready or Not!!

Krew is turning 2!!
I cannot believe it has been 2 years since my life has been changed for the better.
This is not his 2 letter so I'm going to avoid the mushy details but share what we have planned for our big boy!
We have come up with a few birthday traditions in all our 1 birthdays celebrated so far (hehe)
Here they are:
1. Birthday's are declared "YES" days. This means he asks we say yes. This tradition will go on until he learns how to manipulate the yes day. i.e. asking for cars.....(You get the point)
Last year on yes day we didn't have to do much due to the limited vocabulary! This year I am slightly nervous!
2. It is your day. What this means is Tuesday we will take Kade to the sitter and give Krew our undivided attention. I will do the same on Oct. 12 and I am already planning on taking the day off from work to spend with only Kade. I have a feeling when they get older they will want their brother with them, but right now we are still pretty little and like attention.
3. You will wake up to a room filled with balloons. Seth came up with this one, because he said when he was little he always expected something cool right when he woke up! (lol)
This is really what we've got, but I'm loving making our family traditions our own, and it helps me get over the fact that my babies are growing faster than I would like!
Take a look at Krew's awesome cake pops! We have both Minnie and Mickey for the boys and girls of course!
Here is the website:
http://www.etsy.com/shop/MomsKillerCakes?ref=seller_info

Amazing company and easy to work with!

~Dog Days Of Summer~

We are seriously loving this summer.
I know its got to be lame to read about all of our adventures, but in the end this is for the boys to remember their summer.
Yesterday we went on a walk in the morning with the dogs, I went to yoga, came home, and then we walked to the pool.
It sounded like a good idea to walk, but trust me it wasn't.
When you have a 2 year old who is a here and now type kid.
About 1/16 of the way there he started yelling, "I want swim NOW"
Embarrassing doesn't even cover it!
Oh I forgot to mention Seth and I both wore flip flops on the two mile one way trip (FAIL)
We get to the pool and the lady tells us the wading pool has reached its capacity.
Wonderful!
Tears again as we decide to walk to the convenient store to get some drinks before attempting again.
We get back to the pool decide oh well we'll take him to the big pool.
Now let the fun begin.
I'm a freak. I watched their every move, and made sure Seth had both hands on him at ALL times.
The second the wading pool had room I scooped my baby out and took him where I thought he belonged!
He was much happier there, because he was more independent.
That is when the fun began.
I took one Seth took the other and we splashed for an hour.
I kept thinking yahoo they are going to sleep so good tonight! (I was wrong)
Finally we had to go and you seriously would have thought we took Krew's birthday away.
He cried, called me mean mommy, told us it was his pool, yelled swimmin the whole way out.
I'm loving the twos can you tell!
Needless to say we had a blast despite all the fits, and I cannot wait to go back, but you can bet it will not be without Seth!

On Nick Names

Well as most parents know your kids get the craziest nick names and you really have a hard time remembering how they came about.
Well this morning Krew started yelling Tater Chip and I just giggled thinking people probably think he's starving or something.
Well we've gone through so many nick names for Kade. It started as squish, then dish, then kader, then one day my dad looked at Kade and said, "They call me tater salad." I'm pretty sure it's a Ron White skit.
It just stuck.
Since that day he's been every sort of tater in the book.
Tater salad, Tater tot, Tater chip, you name a tater he's been called it.
Krew sticks with Tater chip and calls him that wherever we go.
I picked him up from the babysitter the other day and he started bawling and asking for "his" tater chip.
He gets in his face all the time and says, "hey, hey tater chip." Or "My tater chip"
Just a random thought on the crazy nick names we call our kiddo, that I'm sure he will hate me for when he is 16.
I guess its better than baby poo :-) roo bear, poo bear....etc.
These are a few of Krew's nick names.
These started with Parker who couldn't say her K's and always called him baby poo.

~Sweat and Sunscreen~

These are probably the two best summer smells on babies.
Don't get me wrong I don't want nasty sweaty adults around, but I love the smell of Krew and Kade's heads after we've been outside all day.
Yesterday was just that.
We got home and went directly outside to splash around in the water.
I drenched both of my pale faced boys in sunscreen and let the fun being.
Kade wasn't sure about it at first, but screamed bloody murder when I pulled him out of the pool.
Krew like always splashed until his lips went purple. (Literally)
We came inside wrapped in towels and cuddled the rest of the night.
Once I put Kader down I sat with my almost 2 year old in my lap and took it all in.
His smelly little head.
The fact his still snuggles with me.
Listening to him ask for his "tater chip" (Kade)
Then the big bear hug and "I love you mommy" to top it all off.

I can't get enough of days like this, and wish summer would put the breaks on just a little bit.

Catastrophe adverted

So I almost had a major catastrophe today.
I took a bin of out grown baby clothes to once upon a child yesterday, and today they called and asked me to come down to get money, and take the clothes they didn't need back.
I really didn't care about getting big bucks out of the deal, but with all the money I spent I thought a little cash would be nice.
So I walk in the lady explained that they weren't really taking baby clothes because they have so much, but since I had lots of name brand stuff they wanted to take those items. So she has me look through the basket and there it was.....
The outfit a friend bought for Krew when none of his newborn clothes fit. His little tiny preemie camo onsie. I froze in the moment took the cash, went to my car, and started bawling.
How did that outfit get in that bin?
I would never get rid of that.
Of all the outfits why would they want that?
I called my mom she told me to go back in a get it.
I called Seth and being as amazing as he is he took his break met me in the parking lot crying my eyes out, and said, "I got it covered honey don't worry."
Then 5 min later out he walked with my itty bitty camo onsie.
So as I mentioned before the catastrophe was adverted.
See why this shirt means so much to me. Wow he was/is just perfect!

{Baby cows, horses, and lots of baths}

The look I got every time I made him leave the horses.

As you can see this little boy was in love with horses this weekend. We went to the Orchard ranch where my dad has a hunting camp. Krew was exploring the entire time we were there. I'll put it this way he took a 3 hour nap yesterday that I had to wake him up from, went to bed at 7, and didn't wake up until 7 this morning. That was one exhausted little guy!
The first day we were there my parents watched him while I went on a ride with Seth, my sister, and Sean. We were gone for about 3 hours and when we came back my parent had given Krew a bath, lost him in the sage brush, let him fill water troughs with rocks (and maybe horse poo) they won't answer that question, and finally got him cleaned up again and ready for bed.
While Krew slept AMAZING there Kade was a whole different story. Everynight when Seth and I would get into our cabin he would wake up and scream until I pulled him into bed with us. (Ugh)





One Monday we went down for branding, and again this little guy was in heaven. He went in with my dad to "help" and Kade and I hung out on the sidelines. We had a blast watching Papa and Krew. Kade would fling his arms like crazy everytime a cow walked by us, or a horse got a little too close. I can't imagine what its going to be like next year with a 1 1/2 year old and almost 3 year old! I'm going to wear my heart rate monitor next year to see how many calories I burn in this "relaxing" weekend! Leaving was another story in itself. I'll put it this way, we were ok until we got off the dirt road. That's when the crying for the "baby tows" began. It was so sad I almost turned around :-)

I can't wait to do it all over again. Nothing better than watching boys be boys

This I know for sure

1. My house will never stay clean. (I pick up they pull out)
2. I don't care.
3. Nap time is not for cleaning. It is for relaxing, peeking in on sleepy babes, and ugh homework.
4. I can't contain my excitement for this weekend! I am taking my boys to what I consider heaven on earth. We will spend our days getting as dirty as possible, catching as many fish as possible, riding horses, and top it all off with a little branding.
5. My first babies (dogs) still love me, even though I'm not the greatest mom to them anymore. We laid on the living room floor last night like the old times, and when the baby cried Riley rolled over and ran to his room.
6. My husband still makes my heart thump every time I see him. (Especially in his police uniform)
7. Hearing Krew and Seth sing ZBB Free makes my heart smile. Such an amazing song with such meaning when sang by them. "All we need is LOVE"
8. Last night when I finally sat I looked around and realized I have EVERYTHING I need. (Home, love, family)
9. Tomorrow I turn 27 and will spend my birthday cleaning, packing, and then dinner with my hubby. (Funny how times change)
10. Packing for a family of 4 is hard work! Especially when its for 2 under 2!

Yep that's what I know for sure.

"Let him sleep for when he wakes he will move mountains."

~Imagination~Exploration~

If there is anything I NEVER want to hear my boys say its, "I'm bored."
There is nothing that makes me more crazy than people whining on facebook about how boring Casper is.
All I can think is they must not have had parents like mine.
The Gillilands didn't get bored.
The one reason is because if you said you were bored my dad found "something" for you to do.
This something was usually picking up after the dog, or cleaning a bathroom.
So instead of saying those words we became explorers.
Our backyard was a mountain, the Oregon Trail, or raging rapids.
I remember playing outside for hours and never watching TV until right before bed.
And those were the days our parents were at work.
On the days they were off we were fishing, prairie dog hunting, rock collecting, or just enjoying Wyoming for all it has to offer.
Moving on from my childhood to what I want to instill in my boys.
This time last year my dad said, "I'm glad you don't buy Krew a lot of toys."
I looked at him and thought is he serious?
Then he went on to point out that my son was 1 and playing with cars like a 5 year old.
His own dialogue that none of us could understand going along with the play.
Since that day I have been very mindful of the toys I do buy the boys.
My rules are: 1. They must be kid operated. By this I mean it can't be a toy that just lights up and spins. The boys must do something to make something happen. 2. IT MUST encourage imagination or exploration. That one is pretty self explanatory.
If you've ever been to the site fatbraintoys.com they break it down for you :-)
That being said while at my mom and dad's last night I was lucky enough to watch Krew explore their back yard with a stick, and a ball.
I will probably never know what he was discovering, but I do know his imagination was in full force.
Here is a little peek at Krew's birthday present, which he was given a moth early.

Ahhhh Summer

So it's finally here!
Sweet Summer TIME!
I get to have the best job for the next two and a half months....
STAY AT HOME MOM!
It's funny, because I will be the first to admit I am not someone who is cut out to be a stay at home mom full time. I love to work too much, but summer is just the right amount of time.
I get to nurture my boys and teach them so much without getting restless.
Every year come August I am itching to work again, now if only I could get my boss to let me bring my boys with me it would be the perfect mix!
I'm going to try and blog just to keep a journal of all out summer memories, if you're out there and you read this then great!
So Week 1 of summer break down!
This week we have done so much already! On Monday we had a play date with the adorable Maddux. This little guy is great! He could not be more different than Krew, yet I have a feeling they will be good friends. He is quiet, and he is that kid that when looking at him you can tell he is really studying everything. While Krew is the kid that says what he is thinking instantly! It's so fun to watch these two grow, because they are exactly 2 months apart. They are both still at the parallel play stage, but you can see them moving towards wanting to play together. I'm sure by the end of summer they will be playing perfectly together! Then on Tuesday and Wednesday we were park rats! I swear having a park two blocks away is a curse, and a blessing. Blessing, because we walk there several times a day, a curse, because we walk there several times a day! lol
Thursday Kade had his helmet fitting, and it went great! The doc took his measurement, and we go back on the 16th for the scan. He told me that everything I notice in his face is something only a mom would notice, but the helmet will fix it. One thing he said that threw me off was, "Some parents don't want to do this because they are embarrassed." Wow really who could be embarrassed of helping their kid?
Anyway so far summer has been amazing! I can't wait until Seth has some time off, we get to go branding, start swimming lessons, and get serious on some potty training!

{The Love Of Brothers}

Boys,

Today you are 7 and 22 months.

You both slept so late I had to wake you up to get ready to go.

I got Kade ready, took his 7 month picture, and then handed the sticker to Krew.

Every month this is what we do.

Krew gets the sticker, puts it on his head, and tells me all about his sticker hat.

Funny how this conversation has evolved from, "hat"

To..."mommy, silly hat." "I funny."

Yes Krew you are. You alway can make me smile.

Kade you think your brother is hilarious. You aren't even scared of him anymore.

This morning you both just laughed all morning. Until......

The dreaded car seat.

Kade I'm beginning to wonder if you will EVER tolerate it.

You see it and instantly get mad.

Well this morning something a little different happened.

I put you in and like always you screamed, but then your brother came to the rescue.

He gave you his blanket, his cow, and his sheep.

This is no small thing.

These are his three favorite things of all time.

Once all 3 things were stacked on you he squatted down and said, "hey, hey, ok tater."

You let out the happiest laugh, Krew looks at me and yells, "I did it"

You did it buddy. You showed your brother what the love of a sibling is.

You showed me that no matter what material thing it is, your brother being happy is more important to you.

My goal is to raise you to be a kind person, and well I think we are on the right track.

You both make me so proud. I cannot wait to see what amazing people you turn into.

Love always,

Mommy XOXOXO

P.S. Please never forget how much you love each other. This quote makes me think of today's events, because today Krew you WERE a superhero to your brother.

Sometimes being a brother is even better than being a superhero.

-Marc Brown

The Greatest Gift He Has Ever Given Me.

My husband is my rock.
My best friend.
The one who gave me the most amazing little boys on the face of the planet. (to me)
As I sit here the night before my 2nd official Mother's Day I can't help but think to thank my husband.
He gave me these wonderful gifts.
I can tell you that my life is full and mean it.
I can tell you that I now know what my mom felt and probably feels.
I can tell you that I would not change one decision I have ever made.
3 years ago I told my mom on mothers day that I was married, and had been for a bit.
She cried and hugged me telling me she knew Seth was the one for me.
Now I sit here with two of the most amazing women I know (my mom and aunt) and we talk about our babies.
Mine just babies, theirs grown adults....
I listen and get excited, and sad.
I need to cherish these moments and hug my babies, because before I know it I'll be sitting with my aunt and mom they'll be talking about their grand kids, and I'll be talking about my grown kids.
So I will again say these are the greatest little people I know, I cannot wait to spend everyday with them, and watch them grow.
Being a mom is the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me, along with becoming a wife to a husband that is the most amazing dad.
The loves of my life that fill my heart.......

{Little things...}

On Tuesday I came home and from my garage I could smell house cleaner.
Ahhhh She came I reminded myself.
The house cleaner had came and went while I was at work, and boy did it feel good to come home to a clean house.
I set the boys down and looked around taking it all in knowing that in about 3 hours they would destroy all her hard work.
But for 10 minutes I lived like I did before babies.
One thing I noticed was my vase was sitting in the middle of my kitchen table empty.
Sad. Lonely.
So Krew and I went out and picked the GIANT tulips that were growing in our ugly garden.
Placed them in the pot that they are way to big for and didn't care, because I had a little Spring in my house when it's not spring outside in Wyoming yet.
Here are my beautiful flowers in a vase that's not quite big enough......

{To Helmet or Not to Helmet}

I have been going back and forth with this decision.

Our PT doesn't think it is necessary, because she feels Kade's head isn't as bad as I think it is.

So what to do.

You're probably wondering what the heck I'm talking about well......

With Kade's Torticollis he doesn't turn his head both ways, so one side of his head is flattening.

With this one cheek isn't filling out as much, and one eye is a little smaller than the other.

Many people don't notice it, but I do.

Maybe I do because as a mom you look at every inch of you baby all the time.

Maybe it's because it is noticeable.

What the helmet does is put pressure on the side of the head that is pushing out, and its open on the flat side.

With this the head should round back out.

Many people say just keep his hair long.

Well, if you know me, you know Krew gets his hair cut about every other week.

I don't like long hair on boys, and have very strong opinions on it.

In short I feel people act they way they are kept. You dress like a slob you act like a slob. You wear your hair like a punk you act like one. You dress for success you are successful. I know when I get ready for work in the morning I keep this thought in my head when I'm tempted to pull my hair up in a wet pony tail.

I know petty, but something I feel. Same reason my boys will NEVER get their ears pierces, their hair colored, or grow it out. Not until they are 18 at least.

So back to my great debate. Have my baby wear a helmet for a few months and then be normal again. Let me inform you these helmets are not covered by insurance, and cost around $3,000...Yikes.

Or have a little odd shape to our head that may self correct as he grows stronger and moves more.

{Easter}.... and sickness

What a beautiful day.

I woke up to Krew, "mommy, daddy, unny (bunny)"

We had a long talk about how in the morning a bunny would bring him treats for being so amazing.

Apparently he thought there would be a bunny.

We rushed in with his Easter basket and his face was priceless.

He ripped everything out one at a time told us what it was then went on.

Until.....

"COLORS!!!"

This boy is obsessed with coloring right now.

We also got him an easel, but he hasn't see it yet. :-)

Then my poor sweet baby is so sick he has been coughing all night. I think he is worse than yesterday, but everyone assures me the coughing is good, because he is getting the junk out of his chest.

We have been up every night from about 2-4 crying, nebulizing, changing diapers, getting tylenol, and all to no relief.

Having a sick child is by far the WORST part of being a mom. If there was something I could do to take it away I would in a heart beat.

The saddest part is his tilt gets SO much worse when he is sick, and I was warned about this. It's part of doing what is comfortable.

His PT assured me that taking time off from his exercises won't hurt, and he just needs to get better, but it is so hard not stretching him.

On the bright side though his brother was giving him all of his Easter basket goodies, and he kept cracking up. (In between the coughing.)

Well once nap time is over we'll wake daddy up, head to grandma and papa's for egg hunting, dinner, and then my Easter present is a movie with my mom and sister. (I truly cherish these moments, and hang on to them with the tightest grip.)

May all of you have an AMAZING Easter, and remember to thank God for all he has given us.

These Moments

That kind of night.

If this were a day before Krew and Kade it would look like this.

Drive home

Crawl under covers

Have a good cry

Get up, glass of wine, and sappy movie.

Did something traumatic happen today?? No.

I think its a mix between the lack of sunshine and the end of the year.

People truly have no idea how much stress teachers go through.

It might look like we're getting excited because we really have a little over a month of school left, but inside we are freaking out.

Did I meet this standard?

Are my kids ready for 3rd grade?

What are my kids next year going to be like?

Oh shit I just got them where I want them and now I get to start all over again.....

Just a few thoughts that go through our heads.

Then to top it off one of my dear friends from work was offered another position, and while I am so excited for her I am sad for myself. For our school.

She is by far one of the most amazing teachers I have ever met. She goes above and beyond all the time, and we all look to her for advice, and help. I worry however that when everyone looks to one person it can become too much.

I sit here and cry as I think about helping her pack up her classroom. Not seeing her amazing kids every day, and not hearing her hilarious parenting advice on our lunch time drives.

Her style of parenting is so untraditional, yet I think she should raise everyones children until they are at least 10. She is her kids' best friend, and you can see it in so many ways. I mean what other 18 year old girl spends her senior ditch day with her mom? And what 14 year old boy still confides in his mom and admits his wrongs? And her sweet Kylee such a fireball, yet still so little. I will miss her more than I can put into words, but I know what it is like to want something else.

On to the next bummer part of the day.... sick kids yet again. This time Kade has RSV which is one of the most contagious sicknesses a little one can have, so yep just planning on Krew getting it too. Oh summer please hurry up so all these nasty bugs will go away!

Anyway enough with the negative on to the positive.....

This is not a day before Krew and Kade this is present time. Instead of crawling under my covers I got to give baths, read night time stories, snuggle, and now for bed....at 8, because I'm sure tomorrow will come long before I'm ready. Loving life and all of its ups and downs because I have these two amazing little souls.

{Challenges}

I feel like every way I turn this week there is a wall in front of me.

I can't keep my house clean

I haven't made it to the gym

I pass my husband on my drive to work. (occasionally we meet in a parking lot in between for a quick kiss and I love you.)

I have had a hell of a week at work

I don't know if I belong or even want to anymore.

Is it this time of year.

Are all teachers on edge, or just me?

I've always wanted to teach low income students. In fact when I first started I wanted so bad to teach at an inner city school.

Now I'm lost.

I wish so bad I had parent support, kids that didn't come to school hungry, and not so many sad stories.

Now let me remind you I DO have some great parents, families, and KIDS.

If I won't teach them who will? Do they get a new teacher every 4 years when another one gets burnt out?

What kind of person cares about their own happiness so much that they abandon these kids?

I don't think I can do it. Right when I think about bailing off ship I remember I may be the only stable thing in some of these kids lives.

I am more than a teacher to them. I am their friend, someone they can trust, someone they can feel safe with, and someone who they can confide in. I will continue to be here with them , and if I get asked to interview somewhere else. I will probably say no thank you, and return to my daily business. Besides who gets to work with their best friends every day?

{1/2 a year}

Dear Tater,

What an amazing 6 months you have given me. I can't believe it was a half a year ago that I held you in my arms for the first time. I cannot begin to tell you what you have done to me. Because of you sweet baby my heart has grown bigger than I ever thought it could. You have had a few challenges in your 6 months, but have always showed me how strong you are. You do your exercises with me like a trooper, and your little neck is getting stronger every day! You are very smart too. When you see Dedria your PT your cry instantly, so when we go to PT I keep your back to her the entire time. Its funny how she does the exact same exercises, but when you see her you get so upset, but when you see me you smile the entire time.

You slept through the night for about a month, and now wake up ALOT. I think its because you miss me during the day :-) You have started to go to Alicia's with your big brother more often, and I think you really like it. On days you go to her house you are always asleep by 7, and sleep much better. I think Grandma holds you all the time ;-). That's what Grandma's do though so I can't blame her!

Your big brother is your best friend. You see him and your eyes light up. I can see how much you love him, and guess what? he loves you too. Every morning he wakes up and asks for you....or Riley. It's funny to think that a few short months ago when you would see him your eyes would blink 100 times a minute because you were so worried he'd hit you!

Well sweet baby boy I hope you have an amazing day! Please don't be mad at me when we get your shots this afternoon. It's to keep all those nasty bugs away. I promise I won't get you the flu shot.

Love you more than you know Tater

XOXOXOX,

Mommy

Goal 1 met.....

Today I reached my Pre-Kade weight.
Since I started working out at Prana I have lost 12 pounds of baby weight, and gained a bunch of confidence in myself that was lost in being a mom.
This is exciting, yet not really! lol

See when I got pregnant with Kader I still had 8 Krew pounds left, and I wanted to lose another 5-10.
So here is a small celebration, to meeting one small goal, and hopefully the next 1 by my 27th birthday!
I'm feeling very motivated due to an amazing friend who cooks chicken with me every day for lunch, eats a protein bar with me every morning, and checks in to see if I'm on my way to the gym every night.
That to me is truly a best friend. Someone who can motivate me, without making me feel bad.
I am forever grateful to her!

A Million Miles an Hour

I just can't stop my brain this week
I'm thinking about the most crazy things, and when I think back on it it's this time of year.
Something about Spring makes me laugh, cry, smile, and get sad all over again.
I've really tried to focus on positive memories instead of the sad ones, but if you know much about me 2 Springs ago my life took a strange unexpected turn, and I can't stop thinking about that spring....
So maybe just maybe if I write down my positive spring memories they will be more engraved...
Spring is: green, sunny, and just the right temperature.
The start of fishing, and exploring.
My first homecoming with Seth, and OUR wedding.
California beaches, and Wyoming streams.
Long trips to the park, and smiling kids.
BBQ's with friends, longer days, and countdown of school days.
Walking across half-acre in Laramie, graduation.
Old immature love/lust
tanning in 70 degrees
windows down

I love spring I can't help it.....

Germs, Germs Go AWAY!

So this past week has been one full of bugs in the Wheeler house! Kade is on antibiotics, and Nebulizer, Krew is on Antibiotics, Nebulizer, and Steroids.

The other night Krew had a 103 fever, that we could not break! Needless to say I slept on his floor, with my hand on his chest all night.

Kader is fever-less, but has the nastiest cough. We are lucky in the sense that he doesn't fight his nebulizer at all, but he hates taking his antibiotics.

Well I guess this sums up my week...... bring out the clorox!

If I Fed Myself Like I Feed My Babies

Well this weekend was a mess....

Literally.

I was chopping, steaming, and blending all day on Saturday.

I went to the store and dropped some serious cash on a TON of organic fruits and Vegetables to make Kader's food.

Why not just buy it right?? That's what I did with Krew.

It just feels right to me. I think sometimes the 2nd kid gets the short end of the stick, but not always. If I had known better I would have done it for Krew too.

I had so much fun doing it, and for every piece of fruit I cut Krew had two bites.

Two birds with one stone I guess right.

Anyway I'm a do it by the book kind of girl, so the count down is on until I get to let Kade try it for the first time!!

14 days until my baby is 6 months and chowing down!

Body by Baby

So I've really been struggling with my self image lately, and I can't stop obsessing over it.

I've had an excuse 2 years in a row to not get in a bathing suite, and this year I have none.

What am I going to do when I take Krew to the pool? Wear a t-shirt and shorts? No I refuse to be the person to lazy to get myself back into shape that I resort to that.

Will I ever wear a two piece again? NO....HECK NO!

I can thank my battle scars for that, but I will rock a super cute one piece this summer, and I will do it with confidence.

I'm loving this from Shabby Apple.....

How do I plan on pulling this off you ask?

Well it turns out I've got an amazing mom and mother in law who babysit while I hit the gym.

I've got an amazing husband who encourages me to go, rather than complaining.

I've got a couple great friends who come with me to make it less tedious, and

There is Karri and Jake Snow. I can not being to tell you how inspiring these two people are.

It is easy to go to the gym after having a baby and only get discouraged and give up.

Well at Prana EVERYONE is encouraging. I look forward to going and seeing progress people make, and hearing what they're eating.

Needless to say my current body is nothing like I want it to be, but it will be soon enough.

I'm doing it for me, because if I am happy with me I am a better wife, friend, and most importantly mother. I want to be a role model to my boys, and I want them to always live a healthy and active life.

And loving this from J. Crew......

SLOW DOWN

I seriously have to remind myself to do this everyday.

I'm a planner.

I can't help it, but I plan everything.

That's ok right?

Well not when you do it months in advance.

It would be ok if I could:

remember the date, not give the present months ahead, or stay with the original plan.

I think about this because Seth's birthday is in two weeks and I gave him his present a weeks ago. I scheduled Kade's 6 month pictures when he was 2 months old, and now Seth works on the day we scheduled them.

I have bought Krew's Easter basket stuff..... twice because I buy the stuff and end up giving it to him.

I have already planned his birthday party theme, but I know I will change my mind in the next four months.

My goal plan ahead, but maybe a month not 2,4,6,or 8.

{Spring is in the air...}

Well we finally had a bit of spring the last two days of "spring break" (more like end of winter break)
It's funny to think that mid 40's is warm to us Wyoming people...
Well these two magnificent days were spent at the park running around the front yard, and walking our dogs who have a serious case of cabin fever.
I am so excited for spring to be here yet so sad because after Spring comes summer and this summer my baby will be 2!!! I cannot believe that he is now closer to 2 than 1. On the bright side my baby baby is still closer to a new born than a 1 year old.
They are truly growing way too fast, but I am learning to slow down and cherish every moment rather than dread the day they leave their mommy.
As of now these two have made some pretty big changes the last few weeks that I have been dying to share.
Krew is officially a talker. He is stringing together 2-3 sentences words and repeats EVERYTHING you tell him to. I have always felt like he was smart, but I really do believe he is gifted I'm just not sure in what way yet. He is NOT artistic just like me he gets bored way to easily. He will color for a couple minutes, but then is off to the next task. What he is good at is remembering things, solving problems, and talking.
For example the other day he brings me one of his book and says, "Read ham?" I thought he was nuts until I realized of all his books he picked Green Eggs and Ham.
We walk into my school and he goes right to my friend Kims room and says, "Kids?" Every time we are at my work she is there with her kids, and Krew loves them! I just can't believe how big he is getting.
Oh and my Kader....
I truly love this little guy more than I can put into words. I am doing things much different this time than I did with Krew. Why? Because I've realized they are only babies once. Krew was always dressed like a little man. I didn't want to do the cutesy stuff with him because I didn't/don't like it. This time around I'm taking a different approach. Kader is my baby, and may be my last so guess what? I'm treating him like one. I'm dressing him in things that I'm sure will embarass him when he's 16. I baby talk him, cuddle him, let him sleep in my room, and I'm WAY over protective of him. He is making such great improvements in his PT that I couldn't be more pleased!
As you can see these two are my world and I am proud of every little thing they accomplish!

You think you know me

I got a funny message on facebook the other day that got me thinking.......

If you knew me in high school you don't know me now.

If you knew me in college you don't know me now.

I am a mom, a wife, a teacher, and the best friend I can possibly be.

I can say I do everything with my children, family, and friends in mind.

I don't care about partying, drinking, buying the latest fashion.

I care about buying organic food

, purified water, having a safe car, the best rated car seats, and clothes for two tiny beings that depend 100% on me and my husband.

I care about being a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen, and a phone call away at any minute.

I hope that if you consider me your friend I do all of these things for you, because I know you all do that for me.

People always say you don't know how much children change your life until you have them. This statement is 100% true. I see it in myself, I see it in my friends who have had kids.

Because I'm not the person I used to be I will let the little comment roll off my back and smile because: I love my life and who I am NOW, and trust me there is NOTHING boring about being a mom to amazing little people.

This is who I am and what I live for.....

{Of all the boys in the world}

How did I get the best? I know all of us mothers just know we have the best kids, and I think that's why this little club called mommyhood is so awesome. We don't get annoyed when we hear our friends brag about milestones, brains, or physical abilities of their babies. Why would we? In fact I love hearing what all my friends kids are doing, because it makes me realize just how different they all are, yet alike in some way.

Let me get back on track here with my two amazing boys.....

So I know I know I know I had my boys so close together, but lately I have realized it is exactly what God planned for me, and just lately I know why.

They are truly already best friends. Kade is constantly being stretched for his tort, and Krew lovingly stands above him and makes silly faces to keep him happy. He is always asking to hold him and then when he's over it just stands up.....that's why I'm always right there :-) I was stretching Kade the other day and he started crying, I hear little footsteps run down the hall, and then hear "No No mama. My baby" Holding his arms out to save his baby.

Whenever I pick Krew up from the sitter he gets in the car and says "where baby?" Then when we are about 2 blocks from picking Kade up he gets really excited and starts yelling, "Dish" Thats what we call Kade. (Don't ask why)

I guess the moral of my story is I love watching my boys grow to be friends, laugh together, cry together, and soon enough I'm sure destroy things together.

On the Day You Were Born

If you are a mom and haven't read this book you must run out and buy it now!

This is by far the most beautiful book I've ever read.

It is Krew's new favorite.

Or maybe it's mine so he is forced to love it.

My favorite line from the book....

And as they held you close they whispered into your open, curving ear, "We are so glad you've come."

I CANNOT read this book without crying. Krew always turns and looks at me like what is wrong with you lady, but then goes awwww and gives me a hug.

It is for sure a book wrote for mommies instead of their babies, but it gives kids a little insight to how special they are.

On the day Krew was born daddy was on a boat in Australia. It was a 3:22 pm on Sunday here and 6:22 am Monday to Seth so whenever we talk about what day Krew was born he always says Monday and I have to correct him.

On the day Krew was born his Grandma cut his cord.

On the day he was born his grandpa held tears back as he held his first boy.

On that day half way around the world even though it was 3 weeks early, his dad saw the chaplain walk across the chow hall he knew the Red Cross letter was for him.

On that day mommy was placed in a room alone on a crowded maternity floor so she could receive calls at any hour.

This picture is me getting ready to loose it because I realized Seth had no idea he had a baby yet, because Red Cross wouldn't deliver the message until the baby was born. He swears he just knew though.

On the day Kade was born daddy's eyes were as wide as dinner plates when he realized the wait was over and he was on his way.

On that day Grandma was called and rushed to the hospital to meet the newest little m

an.

On the day you were born your papa held you as you met your big brother for the first time.

On the day you were born Krew gave you a kiss and since has been over protective of you.

On the day you were born all your aunts and uncles filled the room to meet you.

This is Kade a couple hours old, because he came in such a hurry Grandma didn't have the camera there yet!

Boys your days were so incredibly different, but both amazing in totally different ways just like you. Mommy loves you and will never forget the days you were born.

{My Blessings (which Yoga helps me remember)}

So this has been a pretty rotten week.

Krew has an ear infection.

Kade has torticollis.

Seth is working nights, and the babes aren't sleeping.

This morning Seth's mom came over to watch the boys so I could go to yoga. I laid in bed thinking about asking her to watch them while I slept instead of going to the gym.

Looked down and saw my "leftovers" as I like to call them and decided I better get to the gym even if it was just yoga.

That's just what I needed.

A quiet room

stretching

giggling

and loosing myself.

She always instructs us to let everything go, but I find myself sorting everything out. I laid there and thought about my life.

My thoughts looked like this:

I'm a mom.

I'm a wife.

I'm a teacher.

I'm a friend.....

Then the ugly thoughts tried to take over

torticollis.... really?

I know it's not a big deal, but really? Come on.

No Lindsey think about the beauty in your life.....

Then I think about my morning that started at 5.

It started with the biggest smile and coo.

Crooked head and all he is still perfect to his mother.

I smiled back and the loudest belly laugh came out, then from the other room I hear, "Mama. Baby."

Next thing I know I have the worlds most beautiful boys both in bed with me, both loving on their mama.

So when I started to get down they brought me right back up and reminded me of my blessings.

Balance...Or just juggling

The biggest fear of a mother of 1 is how will I love another one. Well it just happens. I'm not going to say it happens right away, because it most certainly did not for me. I loved Kade the minute they laid him on my chest, but I will be honest I have never been in so much pain in my entire life, so it was hard for me to think about anything but the pain. I was shaking uncontrollably and couldn't believe that had just happened.

(For those of you that don't know I was admitted to the hospital at 11:50, my water broke at midnight, and Kade was here at 12:06. So as you have probably figured there was no pain meds involved.)

I laid in my hospital room that first night holding my new baby, but my mind was with my other baby. It wasn't for any other reason than he had no idea we left. He went to bed and would wake up to us gone at grandma there. I didn't know how he would react to this, and didn't want his first baby experience to be a bad one.

I laid there and checked the time every 5 min until 6 when I woke Seth up and asked him to go home before Krew woke up. I think he was worried about the same thing, because he shot up and left. He brought Krew back at 9.....here it was the test. He was very interested in the baby until his papa held him. Then he wanted that baby gone and wanted his Papa to hold him. Well if you know my dad you know Krew has him wrapped around his finger so he picked him up and showed him his little brother. That was when I know it was all going to be alright.

Everyone was right! It does just happen.

I feel like that was the moment I opened my heart and let it swell.

Since then there have been many tears, many moments of what was I thinking, how will I do this, and this is amazing.

I think I've finally 3 months later got it figured out. I know how to love them both and get in time with both of them. Krew and I have our special time first thing in the morning, our drive to work, drive home, and at home while we're waiting for Kade. Kade and I spend our nights making each other smile long after Krew has gone to bed.

They are my world and I wouldn't have it any other way.

{Kader}

Dear Family and Friends,

Well today we got some bad news. Our little Kade was diagnosed with torticollis. We had a feeling something was wrong when he wouldn't turn his head the other way, and wasn't holding it up straight. I thought at first he was just a noodle neck from being an infant until he was coming up on his 3 month birthday and still doing it. We took him to doctor Wang today and sure enough our suspicion was right. Anyway I'm not going to turn this into a sob story because that will do nothing but bring me down. Prognosis is good and we will begin therapy on Monday with some of the best Pediatric Physical Therapists in town. The good thing is we caught is so early that it should only take a couple of months to correct with no surgery needed. Lets keep our fingers crossed! Love that little guy so much and I'm willing to do anything to correct this for him. Please pray for a quick recovery for him.

XOXO,

Lindsey

~Krew~

Dear Sweet boy of mine,

I just wanted to take a minute to tell you what you are to me. I'm probably the worst mom at filling out your baby book, but I've wrote you a hundred letters that I will some day give to you. Or maybe not :-) You are growing way to fast little one! You are sitting on the couch next to me right now and I can't help but wish I could freeze this moment and stare at you forever. Your big blue eyes keep looking at me with complete innocence. You're reading one of your favorite books, and guess what? You know what each page says we've read it so much! You look at the pictures and say some of the words from that page.

I really can't help but think you are VERY intelligent. You know 3 of your colors, both dogs names, Parker, Oakley, Hope, Seth (lol), mama, papa, momma, daddy, turtle, dog, no, ball, bye, hi, go, on top, thank you, more, please, bubbles, juice, bottle, nice, uh-oh, dog, bird, baby, dish :-) I could go on and on all day but I won't! So by 18 months you are supposed to know 10-15 words well you've got that one beat smarty! You can tell me the sounds of a lion, dog, elephant, alligator (SNAP!), sheep, cow, goat, horse, and cat. You are supposed to be able to label 2 body parts well you do nose, eyes, ears, belly, mouth, teeth, feet, and head. I think Dr. Wheeler has a great ring to it how about you?

You have brought so much happiness to me over the last 17 months and 4 weeks :-) You are the biggest chatter box I know. I wouldn't change that for anything. Today we had someone come fix our security alarm and when he was done you looked at him and said, "Thank you." I've never seen such a big man laugh so hard! He asked if you were always so sweet, and you of course know my reply, "He doesn't know a stranger." You are so much like your dad in that way. We go through the store and you say hi to EVERYONE!! I hope you always stay that way and bring light into everyones lives. Everyone loves you. I think we've got a line of friends who would be glad to take you from me and daddy if we ever asked. You are surrounded by love! You are an amazing big brother, and always want to make Kader smile and laugh! Thank you for adjusting so well to him!

You are growing up baby! Please slow down! Love you to the moon and back!

End of One Year, Beginning of the Next

2010,

I would like to start by saying thank you. You treated my very well, and I will always remember you for that. I'm going to be honest and tell you I was terrified for what you might bring. We bought a house in 2008 with steady income from both me and Seth. Well you were the year, the year we had to decide pack it up sell the house and move to California to be a Marine Corps family, or tighten our belts until Seth found a job in Casper. This is how we played it: He applied for many jobs and also filled out re-enlistment paper work. Luckily my amazing husband was offered two police officer jobs, one in Casper and one in Glenrock. He took the job in Casper, and ripped up the re-enlistment papers. His last offical day as a Marine was Feb. 20 and he was sworn in to the Police department Feb. 22. Wow what amazing timing.

You also brought me so many smiles watching my Krew grow into one of the most intelligent little boys I know. He is a chatter box and has been since he started babbling. Must get that from his dad :-) Everyday I thank God

for giving me this little man. He brings a smile to everyones face and is loved by

so many!

You gave me quite the scare of being pregnant only 6 months after having Krew, but I should have known you wouldn't give me anything I couldn't handle. My little Kader is the most beautiful boy. I'm not going to say being a mom of a toddler and an infant is easy because it most certainly is not. Kade was a very hard baby, but since I made it through the tough times I am now rewarded with the biggest smile full of dimples everyday! He is turning out to be quite the little charmer and smiles at me at all the right times! I love these little guys and would do anything for them!

Please tell 2011 to be just as amazing to me. I am starting my Masters so I will need all the help I can get. Please keep my family and friends healthy and happy. Once again thank you......for these blessings